Crying: Sad or Attention Seeking. What do I Do?

As babies, crying is the only way to communicate babies' needs, be it a wet diaper, pain, wind or hungry. But as the baby grows into toddlerhood and is able to speak even one word or two word sentence, the child now has another way of informing us parents of her/his needs. Given this, most parents should find it easier to understand and provide for the child. However for some toddler and parents, things don't get any easier but the cries get intensified! Their toddler cries and screams almost all the time! 

As parents, you must be able to differentiate if your child is upset/sad over something or your child is actually seeking attention? Cries due to parting with family, friends, lost of something that is the toddler's favorite, a soft toy that she/he always play with for instance can be grouped as sad/upset.  In this situations, you should acknowledge the emotion your child is experiencing and pacify her/him. 

However, often times, we see toddlers who cry, scream and roll on the floor for some reason. This situation can be a nightmare for parents. Just what makes some toddlers throw such tantrum while some others can ask for something and yet not scream and roll on the floor if her/his wants are not met?  The answer to this is how parents respond to the toddler in moments like this. In many cases, parents quickly give in and provide the toddler with whatever the toddler wants. Let's examine a few situations.

Situation A
Your toddler is playing with some cousins and likes a toy another cousin is playing with. Your toddler snatches it away and off course the other child would pull it back, and your toddler is suddenly on the floor, kicking in the air, rolling and screaming and crying. You come over to check, you panic with the screams and cry and could only think of the easiest way out - give the toy to your child. So you nicely tell the other toddler to share his/her toy with your toddler, taking the toy away from that child and giving it to your toddler. 

Situation B
You are at the supermarket, grocery shopping. You pass by the toy section and your toddler wants to go see the toys. You turn into the toy section. From just seeing, now your toddler wants to buy a toy but you have no plans to buy toys on that day and said "no", and it starts all over again. You feel embarrassed, you think other shoppers are looking and making remarks about you, so you instantly grab the toy, give it to your child and walk away from the toy section. Your child is now quiet, happy that her/his wants have been met. 

The two situations above are observed very often. If you analyse the situation, you will see that what happened is a chain of events that begins with an antecedent, followed by a certain behaviour and eventually brings a consequence. The child's cry becomes an antecedent for you which makes you give in to her/his demands which represents the behaviour and this satisfies the child, makes her/him stop crying. As this happens many times, you give in and your child gets quiet, you will continue to give in because it instantly stops the cries. However without realising, you have indirectly conditioned your child to throw tantrums whenever she/he wants something, because she/he now knows that by doing so, she/he will get whatever she/he wants. This now becomes a vicious cycle which will continue until you choose to do something to break that cycle. 

Usually whenever you are faced with such situations, it is best  not to entertain to their demands the first time itself. However if you are already in that cycle, you need to break from it. When faced with such situations, the best way to deal with it is to pick your child up and explain. Yes explain why she/he cannot have it her/his way. You can pick up and say "I know you want that but you cannot have anything if you  continue screaming like this." Slowly walk around to give sometime to the child to cool down and then sit and explain why you cannot fulfill her/his demands. If we look at situation A above, you need to pick up the child and tell her/him "You cannot have it if you cry and scream like this, you need to stop and we will talk about this." Then once she/he is calm, explain "When you play, you must share, you need to take turns and you cannot snatched toys from others." Then bring your child back to the group, with you seated together, observe how they play and teach your child to ask for a toy, you need to show it for your child to model it. 

A child who always throws tantrums do so, because they think it is acceptable and the right thing to do, it is us parents who need to stop the tantrums and show them the best acceptable way to behave. 

BENEFITS OF STORY TELLING

As parents, we are always eager to train our children to be good readers. We love to see them read more. But have we ever thought about the benefits of story telling to our children?

Children naturally love listening to stories. They view stories as magical, as stories usually allow them to explore with their imagination. Story telling teaches many things about life, culture, other living things, people from different places and their culture. Benefits of story telling sessions include:

• promote feeling of well-being and relaxation
• increase verbal proficiency and vocabulary mastery
• encourage active participation through interaction during sessions
• encourage children to communicate their thoughts and feelings
• increase creativity and imagination
• strengthens listening skills
• improves attention and focus
• create awareness of different cultures, different people from other places
• provides knowledge on things around us through fun engaging approach
• teaches children about empathy through understanding of different life experiences
• increase confidence when encourage to speak and give ideas
• increase memory skills, able to recall information from the stories accurately through interaction within the story telling group

So parents, story telling is another activity you definitely want to provide to your children!

Sharmini Abd Karim

Clinical Psychologist

My Hopes and Wishes for the Two Angels in My Life

Its the beginning of the new year 2014, my dearest Daanish moves on to another level in the schooling year, now in primary 3. He has passed all those anxieties of starting school many children experience, his journey now is more towards enriching life experience as a student, as a son and as a vicegerent of ALLAH and as the unique individual he is. Maya Sari, my ever sweet little girl begins her schooling journey this year. Alhamdulillah, the eight months reading classes she attended  last year has prepared her emotionally and mentally with regards to starting school, no separation anxiety was displayed. She too shall continue her journey as as a student, as a daughter and as a vicegerent of ALLAH and as the unique individual she is

With the beginning of a new year, I have hopes and wishes for my children. To Daanish and Maya Sari, I pray that the two of you will always be protected from any harm, evil, bad intentions and bad company. I hope that your childhood be filled with joy, laughter and all wonderful things. I wish that you both grow to become happy individuals with strong positive characters who are determined, don't easily give up, who knows what you want in life and fights for it and not ever let others tell you that you can't.

Daanish and Maya Sari, I pray that the love and bond you both share will grow stronger by the day and will remain intact and strong till the very last breath, for it is this bond that will keep you together through all life challenges, it is this bond that will keep you helping one another, it is this bond that will keep you looking out for each other. The love you have for each other will keep you strong in difficult times. This love will make you realise that there is always someone who loves you, believes in you and will help you rise when everyone else think you can't.  

Daanish and Maya Sari, I hope and wish that you will always love seeking knowledge. I hope you will continue to wonder about the things around you and explore why they work they way they do, why things happen the way they do. For with knowledge, you will become wholesome individuals who will be able to make good decisions without being influenced by others or that are only emotionally driven. I hope you will enjoy and have wonderful learning and exploring moments. Learning is life long, I hope the joy you both experience through reading and learning continues forever, for when you stop learning, you will cripple your mind.

Daanish and Maya Sari, I pray and will continue to pray that you both will grow to become wonderful, intelligent muslims. Always remember our great hero, Rasulullah SAW and the Quran. So long that you keep your path straight and follow the guidance in the Quran, Allah will bestow upon you good life here in Dunya and ultimately the place we all want to be - THE HEAVEN. Like how Maya always wish for the Heaven to have lots of rainbow and chocolates and like how Daanish always hope for more toys in the Heaven.

Daanish and Maya Sari, I pray that you both will love this little baby just like how you love each other now. I hope with our little adik, the bond between the three of you will be greater and stronger. I wish that the three of you will share lots of joy, laughter and wonderful moments.

Daanish, I hope you will become better at controlling your attention during class time. I hope you continue to be that person in your class who helps others with their English, just like you teacher mentioned "English dia memang power, semua kawan-kawan dia tolong ajar." I wish that you continue to have the empathy you always have for others, which will guide you in helping others. I hope for you to grow into a fine person. I hope to see you achieve your dreams as an artist. And always remember what I said "You can be anything you want  and achieve anything, just believe in yourself and do it" like Max the boy in Real Steel.

Maya Sari, I hope you will grow to be a mighty girl who is able to protect herself. I know you are a strong person, I hope you will always continue to be that strong person, always determined and chase your dreams. As you grow I hope you will learn about the things that make girls beautiful and liberated (he he....not by wearing bikinis ;)

I love you both always :)

Love,
Mama.

(Sharmini Abd Karim)
Clinical Psychologist
BLOOMPSYC CONSULTANCY


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Kamu Dengar? Agaknya dia dengar atau tidak...... Bagaimana Anda Boleh Bercakap Dengan Anak Agar Mereka Mendengar dan Memberi Kerjasama

"Ali, kemaskan bilik kamu, simpan semua mainan, lepas tu makan!" jerit ibu Ali dari dapur. Setengah jam kemudian, ibu keluar dari dapur dan dapati Ali masih tercegat di depan TV. "Dah kemas bilik tak?" jeritnya lagi. Di saat ini, Ali mengheret kakinya menuju bilik, ini menyebabkan ibu bertambah marah lalu mula berleter "Kamu ni kan......blah.....blah....blah...." Ibu berleter hampir lima belas minit.

Situasi seperti di atas ini menunjukkan keadaan yang biasanya terjadi dalam kebanyakkan keluarga, di mana ibubapa tidak mampu berkomunikasi secara berkesan dengan anak-anak. Komunikasi yang tidak berkesan mendatangkan pelbagai kesan negatif seperti perasaan-perasaan negatif, mewujudkan sifat saling tidak menghormati dan juga mengakibatkan kekecohan yang sebenarnya boleh dielakkan. Terdapat beberapa cara bagaimana anda boleh berkomunikasi dengan anak-anak untuk mendapat perhatian mereka agar mendengar serta memberi respon yang sepatutnya. Berikut adalah beberapa langkah yang boleh anda gunakan.


1. Kontak mata

Pastikan anda mendapat perhatian anak dengan melihat tepat ke dalam matanya. Jika perlu, anda boleh berlutut, pastikan mata anda sama paras dengan mata anak sebelum anda memulakan perbualan mahupun memberi arahan.

2. Ringkas

Gunakan ayat yang singkat dan ringkas. Terus kepada apa yang anda ingin anak lakukan. Gunakan satu ayat pada satu waktu. Terlalu banyak bercakap akan menyebabkan anak hilang perhatian. Apabila anak kelihatan tidak berminat, ini bermakna dia sudah tidak memberi perhatian, tidak mendengar dan tidak memahami apa yang anda katakan. Anak anda hanya memekakkan telinga. Contoh yang baik: "Ali, tolong simpan mainan." Jangan sesekali mengatakan "Ali, simpan semua mainan, mainan kamu ni semua menyerakkan rumah. Kamu suka tengok rumah macam ni?" Ayat kedua ini haruslah dielakkan sama sekali, kerana anak-anak memang gemar meletakkan mainan di mana-mana sahaja bagi memudahkan mereka bermain, maka jangan diajukan soalan sebegitu, kerana ia mengundang jawapan yang anda sendiri tidak mahu dengar!

3. Ulang permintaan anda

Cara terbaik untuk memastikan anak memahami permintaan anda adalah dengan memintanya mengulang permintaan yang telah anda nyatakan kepadanya. Contoh: "Apa yang kamu perlu buat Ali?" Dengan cara ini, anda lebih pasti bahawa anak anda tahu apa yang perlu dilakukan.

4. Gunakan pendekatan perlakuan - kesan

Kita tahu setiap perlakuan pastinya mendatangkan suatu kesan. Maka gunakan konsep ini sebaiknya. Minta anak anda lakukan apa yang anda ingin dia lakukan sebelum dia peroleh apa yang dia inginkan. Anda buat, anda dapat. Contohnya, anda boleh katakan "Simpan mainan kamu kemudian kamu boleh tengok cerita kartun kegemaran kamu." Pendekatan ini secara tidak langsung memaklumkan kepada anak bahawa anda mementingkan pematuhan, bahawa anak perlu patuh pada permintaan atau arahan sebelum mendapat apa yang diingininya. Walaubagaimanapun, hati-hati dalam menggunakkan pendekatan ini, elakkan ayat yang bermula dengan "Jika....." kerana ia umpama memberi pilihan untuk buat atau tidak.

5. Bercakaplah dengan hormat. 

Apabila anda mengemukakan permintaan, mulakan dengan "Tolong....." dan jangan lupa untuk mengatakan "terima kasih...." setelah anak menyiapkan apa yang anda minta mereka lakukan. Kesantunan adalah suatu ciri-ciri yang mula terbentuk sejak awal lagi dan sekiranya anda ingin memupuk nilai ini dalam diri anak anda, anda perlu memulakannya terlebih dahulu. Anda perlulah menjadi apa yang anda ingin anak anda jadi. Kanak-kanak belajar dengan paling berkesan melalui konsep model, maka jadilah model yang terbaik untuk anda.

6. Bercakaplah mengikut peringkat perkembangan anak

Ini memerlukan anda mempunyai sedikit pemahaman tentang peringkat perkembangan anak anda. Walaubagaimanapun, satu panduan mudah yang boleh anda ikuti ialah, lebih kecil anak anda, lebih ringkas ayat yang harus anda gunakan.

7. Elakkan mengugut

Elak sebarang ugutan apabila bercakap dengan anak. Contoh: "Jika kamu tak kemas, ibu buang semua mainan kamu ni." Ugutan selalunya boleh memakan diri. Mengapa? Kerana anak-anak akan melihat sama ada anda benar-benar  melakukan apa yang telah dikatakan. Jadi, apabila anda meluahkan ayat seperti di atas ini, adakah anda benar benar bersedia untuk membuang kesemua mainan anak dan membeli pula yang baru bila anak perlu bermain? Apabila anak lihat anda tidak pun melakukan apa yang telah anda katakan, anak akan kurang mempercayai anda. Anda akan sukar untuk dapatkan kerjasama daripada anak di masa depan kerana mereka sudah tidak mempercayai anda.

8. Beri makluman yang awal

Tip ini sangat berguna terutamanya apabila anda perlu meninggalkan taman permainan, taman, kolam renang atau mana-mana tempat di mana anak sedang seronok bermain atau beraktiviti. Berikan notis yang awal bahawa anda akan meninggalkan tempat tersebut tidak lama lagi. Contoh: "Ali, kita akan pulang dalam masa sepuluh minit lagi." Ini memberi peluang kepada anak bersedia untuk berhenti melakukan aktiviti tersebut dan tidak perlu berhenti secara mengejut yang selalunya mengakibatkan anak marah.

Jika anda amalkan tip-tip di atas dan menjadikan satu amalan di rumah, ianya akan membuat anak-anak mahu mendengar dan memberi kerjasama. Dengan apa jua cara dan kaedah, apa yang penting adalah anda mengamalnya secara berterusan di dalam semua situasi sehingga amalan ini menjadi sebahagian tabiat, dan dengan semulajadi anda akan bercakap dengan anak-anak menggunakan kaedah yang mampu membuat anak-anak mendengar dan memberi kerjasama. Ini seterusnya akan membentuk anak-anak menjadi individu yang berdisiplin. Selamat berkomunikasi dengan anak-anak anda!

Are you Listening? You Wonder......How to talk to get your child to cooperate.

"Ali, clean your room, put your toys away then come eat!" yells Ali's mom while she's in the kitchen. Half an hour later, mom comes out from the kitchen and finds Ali in front of the TV. "Have you clean your room?" she yells again. At this juncture, Ali drags his feet to his room, making his mom further angry, and then she starts nagging "You......blah.....blah....blah....." for almost fifteen minutes.

This depicts a situation in so many households where parents are not able to communicate effectively with their children. A bad communication at home leads to many unwanted feelings, breeds disrespect and causes unnecessary commotion. There are ways how you can communicate with your children to get them to listen and respond accordingly. Here are several important points you may want to consider:


1. Eye contact

Always get your child's attention by looking at him in his eyes. Kneel down if you need, bring your eye to his eye level before you begin talking.

2. Keep it simple

Use direct sentence that is short, simple. Go straight to what you want your child to do. Use one sentence at a time. Too much babbling only drifts their attention away. When you see your child giving you a disinterested look, he is no longer listening or understanding you. He's given you a deaf ear. Example : "Ali, please put your toys away." Do not say "Ali, put your toys away, they make the whole house messy. Just look at that, is that how you like your house to be?" This second sentence is a BIG no no. A child will definitely love to conveniently have their toys laying around just anywhere, so you do not want to get that as an answer from them!

3. Repeat your request

The best way to know your child has understood your request is to make him repeat your request. Example : "What do you need to do Ali?" This way, you know for sure that he listened and knows what he needs to do.

4. Use the behaviour - consequence approach

Get your child to do what he needs to before he gets what he wants. You do this, you get this. "Put your toys away and then you can watch your favorite cartoon." This informs the child that you expect obedience, that the child needs to obey before he gets what he wishes for. Be cautious however, not to begin your sentence with "If...." when you use this approach. "If....." implies a choice, as if you are telling your child that he has a choice to do or not to do.

5. Speak with respect

When making requests, always start with "Please....." and don't forget to say "Thank you....." when your child completes what you have asked him to do. Social manners begin at a very young age and if you want to instill this is your child, you will need to start practicing them yourself. You need to be what you want your child to be. Children learn the most through modeling, so you better show them good manners.

6. Speak according to your child's developmental stage

This requires some understanding of your chid's developmental stage. However, an easy rule to follow is the younger they are, the simpler you speak.

7. Avoid threats

Avoid using threats when speaking with your child. Example "If you don't clean up, I will throw all your toys." Threats can always backfire, why? Because children actually see if you keep to your words. So when you say something like the above sentence, are you REALLY prepared to throw their toys and then buy new ones when they need? When your child sees that you didn't really do want you threatened to do, they will trust you less. And you will find it difficult to get them to cooperate in the future because they simply know you will not do what you say, so at the end of the day, they get it their way!

8. Inform in advance

This tip is especially helpful when you need to leave the park, the playground, the swimming pool or any place where your child is having fun or engage in something. Give them an advance notice that you are about to leave. Example: "Ali, we're leaving in ten minutes." This gives the child a time to prepare himself to part with what he is doing and he does not need to stop abruptly.



If you follow the above tips and make it a practice in your household, you will notice that your children will listen and cooperate. With any method or rule, it is important that you follow through and maintain it in every situation so that it becomes habitual, therefore you will naturally speak in ways that your child will listen and respond accordingly, which in turn shapes your child into a disciplined individual. All the best in communicating with your angels!

KEEPING THE PRESSURE AWAY AND STAYING EMOTIONALLY POSITIVE IN YOUR PARENTING JOURNEY

Being a parent is no simple job. The endless demands parents are faced with, in fulfilling the needs of our children can be very draining physically and mentally, the last thing any parent need is to emotionally suffer in their parenting journey; a journey we are all suppose to enjoy and embrace.

In the parenting talks I conduct, I always remind parents about the effects of PARENTAL PEER PRESSURE. You must be wondering what is this parental peer pressure. We used to hear children and teenagers having difficulty with peer pressure, but what has this peer pressure got to do with parents?

"Adam scored 5As", "Yeay! My darling daughter just completed her 6th stage in  her reading programme and she's only 4 years old", "Ani's latest gadget (a caption for a picture)". Isn't these familiar? Parents are constantly bombarded with such statement from relatives and friends. These days, it gets worse, because you no longer wait for the family reunion or reunion with friends to experience this dreadful comparisons between their children and your children, thanks to technology, you get updates every second, even those you wish you didn't see or read!

So just how do you ensure that you stay strong and positive about your own children despite the constant updates? The most important thing to remember is that every child is unique. Every child has his own strengths and weaknesses. It is our knowledge of our children's strengths and weaknesses that will guide us through  those times when you sometimes go "wow" at others' children and start wondering whether your children are fine or otherwise.  Whenever you read or observe something that effects you, makes you feel down, quickly recall the wonderful things your children have mastered and achieve. Each of our children has their own unique abilities and interests, if only we take time to see and appreciate their uniqueness, we surely can spare ourselves from feeling disturbed by the achievement of others. We need to learn to embrace and celebrate each child's uniqueness and abilities.

There is this concept of multiple intelligence which I will write about soon to help parents understand that not every child is strong academically. Some may strengths in the creative field. Some may have strengths in the technical field and so many more. Our ability to accept this fact will also help us in feeling good about our children. What ever strengths our children have, they can succeed when we ourselves have successfully acknowledge those strengths and give them a chance to grow and bloom with those strengths. I pray and hope that all parents out there stay focused on your children's strengths. So go out and embrace your children's uniqueness!

Low Cost School Holiday Activities

School is out and it's time for some serious fun for the kids. Have you got plans for your kids? School holidays do not need to involve activities that will burn a hole in your pocket. School holiday is a good time to train children with some life skills. It is also a good time to rekindle love among family members, as during schooling season, the children are usually bombarded with homework and the endless tuition and after school activities, not forgetting the busy parents as well. So, this is a great time to catch up and have fun together while instilling love and positive values in our children.

There are plenty of activities that you can plan ahead for you and your children which will not cost you so much. Here are some of the things I like to share with all parents out there. Some of these things are what I usually do and some are things I plan to do this holidays.

Movie night

How wonderful will it be to snuggle up on a cosy sofa with some home made snack watching a movie everyone in the family loves?  I've got a list of movies suitable for everyone in the family that we will be watching this holidays.

Movie party with friends

Let the kids have some fun with friends. Allow you children to invite around 2 or 3 closest friends  to watch a movie together in your house. Provide some healthy snacks for them.

Outdoor activities

The outdoor provides plenty of opportunity to have fun. Cycling, taking stroll in the park, picnic are among several things you can do. I personally love taking my children to parks for them to learn and explore more about nature. My kids love picking up leaves, an opportunity for me to teach them about size and shape, I also teach them the why some leaves are green while others are yellow/brown. My daughter is especially crazy of collecting biji saga these days, so we will go to the park and spend quite some time picking up the bright red seeds which she takes home to decorate or use it during play time as one of the items to cook. They also love chasing after birds and feeding them.

Fun at the beach which does not cost much if you pack food and drinks from home

Water play 

This is something every child loves. It is a wonderful activity they love so much, gives you some time to relax with your spouse and most importantly cost saving and easy. Those DIY  plastic pools can be purchased at almost all supermarkets and it will cost you less than RM50 depending on the size. I have this pool at home, we just blow it up, fill it with water and let the kids play. Me and hubby will sit back and relax, enjoy the time chatting, drinking our favorite beverage or juice.

The fun time with water play at home

Art and Craft

There are plenty craft projects available online. Get some ideas there. You can also provide water colour, pencil colour, crayons and plenty of paper and allow children to just create their own art. In my family, art is an activity we love doing together. My husband happens to be a trained artist, so painting and coloring is something my children look forward too. They are given lots of opportunity to explore with colours. We frame their work and display them on the wall of our dining area.

My children during one of their art sessions

The two dragons produced by my son, Daanish.

Another art session, using chalks and drawing on the floor at the porch.

Cooking 

Kids actually love it when mothers give them a chance to help out in the kitchen. By including them in the process of preparing meal, you instill the value of good nutrition, love by observing the effort you put in preparing wholesome meal for the family, names of vegetables and many more. It is more rewarding when they are invited to prepare their favorite meal or baking their favorite cookie. 

The chocolate milk shake my kids made with my supervision

My daughter, Maya Sari busy with her cookies

Camping

Camping is so much fun yet we hardly find families do this. We've had some non Malaysian friends who asked us why don't Malaysian parents take their children for camping. I guess it is something many of us are not exposed to hence we don't even think about it as something possible to do with our children. I was first inspired to go camping when I read an article by an overseas blogger which you can read here. Off course camping requires a bit of planning. I found this list really helpful. First of all, scout around to find a place that is safe for you and family. I live in Sg Petani, Kedah after moving from Kuala Lumpur about two and half years ago. There's a wonderful beach called Pantai Merdeka which has a beautiful resort but also camping spot. This place is especially popular among families who love fishing. We decided to give it a try as it was a safe area with many other families too. We already have a tent, so what we needed were just some other basic supplies. We camped for one night, I prepared goodie bags for my children with several simple stuff to give them some activities to do besides star gazing and playing at the beach. It was truly an unforgettable experience which we definitely want to do again!

At the camping site

Simple breakfast prepared at the camping site

There you have several ideas for the coming holidays. I hope you and your family will have a joyful holiday.